Have you ever encountered times in your life that just seem strange? Seasons that do not seem to make sense – you recognize that something is not quite right and perhaps you even know “how to make it right” but you just cannot seem to do so?
Perhaps it was the interjection of a new variable – a job, a child, life or death – or maybe just the busyness of life. As you take stock of your life and look back a month, a year (maybe even longer), you recognize that you are not where you want to be. Feelings of anxiety, stress, or worry tend to dominate your thoughts, and you wonder – how do you fix this?
In January of this year, my wife and I took stock of our own lives. We realized that we had formed a few bad habits that were hindering us from doing the things we really wanted to do. We seemed to have little time for growing intimacy with Jesus, time for each other, and it felt like we were never really resting. I had this thought that we were not going to do what everyone does in January and set ourselves up for failure with New Year’s resolutions, but we were going to make some lifestyle changes that would help us change our behaviour and thus allow us to make space for the things we wanted to. (In hindsight, I may have just had New Year’s resolutions in fancy wrapping paper…).
Behaviour change 1:
I decided to do an experiment on us… for a few nights, we stopped watching TV series an hour before bed. We would read or just rest our minds before sleeping. Then, for one night, we went back to “old habits” as we watched one 20-minute comedy just before closing our eyes to sleep. The results? The nights that we had opted to switch off from the screen a little earlier had seen a significant increase in our energy levels. (We both wear watches to monitor our sleep). We woke up feeling energized and ready to take on the day, and it had felt like we had gained a few more hours in our day. There were some evenings where I wondered – what were we doing with all this free time before this… However, the day after we had indulged in one short little episode had us struggling to wake up, our day felt rushed, and we could not get to what we needed to that day. It was an unreal revelation for us.
Behaviour change 2:
Does this sound familiar? Your alarm rings in the morning at a pre-determined time that you’ve established is when you need to wake up to get ready for the day, perhaps exercise a bit, spend some quiet time, have a healthy breakfast, and get to your day – on time and swimmingly – but then something strange happens, you hit this little snooze button. Once, twice, three times. (Any Lionel Richie fans here?). Eventually, you decide to check your phone, to see if there are any important messages or maybe even to read your daily scripture of the day. You see this little notification that your favourite reel spammer has sent you something, so you open up your feed and watch this recommended video… 30 minutes later (maybe even an hour) – you frantically jump out of bed, frustrated that you’ve gone through another session of doom scrolling and rush to get to work (or wherever you need to be) without even thinking of exercise, food, or quiet time.
I think this is the story, in some variation, for many of us, and so behaviour change 2 came into play for me. I desperately wanted to have decent quiet time with the Lord each morning. That is genuinely my desire, but I would keep stumbling in this same way – so we modified the behaviour by blocking the respective apps that caused this between 5 am and 7 am in the morning. Just like that, I was getting to everything I wanted to – with time to spare. IT WAS AMAZING. There were days when my muscle memory would kick in and head over to those apps, but as soon as I saw the greyed-out icons – I was reminded and my mind swiftly moved past it and I would get to the things that I really wanted to do.
By now you must be wondering, what am I on about if I have managed to make these behavioural changes and get some balance in my life. Well, we had some life interjections. Nothing hectic really, all things that we loved to celebrate and wanted. Our siblings (on both sides) got married, and we got our long-awaited doggie (Magnum). Oh boy, were we not ready for the interrupted sleep a 6-week-old puppy gives you. Chuck out the good behaviour – when Maggie wants to play or use her ablution facilities – you better be ready. This little bundle of joy disrupted our rhythms like we had never imagined.
Suddenly, it didn’t matter if we watched TV or not, scrolled social media or not – we had no time! It felt like we entered survival mode again… And well, the brain is a funny thing – now that it “did not matter” – why not watch a little bit of TV or turn off the app restrictions just in a moment to find some time for yourself? As the weeks progressed, I found myself in the all too familiar spaces of tiredness and frustration. It was not long before I started to feel anxious about all the various things I have going on in my life.
I question how we will ever achieve our dreams. I question how we will ever overcome our mountains. My mind goes into overthinking mode and makes it extremely difficult for me to see and trust in the Lord’s sovereign hand over us. I am constantly running through every scenario, looking for solutions. From time to time, I find reprieve in the brief moments I get into the Word of God or by singing a few worship songs, but it all feels temporary because I know – my mind is anxious – my spirit is not at rest and I am not getting to the things I want (need) to.
What I am reminded of is that when things are important to you, then you do whatever you need to do to prioritize that. But I wonder how many of you would empathize with me on this, sometimes – when you’re restless – it is near impossible to prioritize correctly. In other words, I am so desperate to spend time with Jesus, but I find myself overthinking, trying to control, and I end up doing the totally opposite by watching more TV or scrolling away.
All this is to paint the scene, as I lay in bed – wondering and thinking and thinking and wondering – struggling to sleep. The song “Make Room” (Written by: Evelyn Heideriqui, Josh Farro, Lucas Cortazio, Rebekah White) repeats in my head. And the voice of the Holy Spirit awakens me to these lyrics – to make room. To make room for Jesus.
Immediately I felt led to open a book I had read last year, Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chole. This one is top tier and highly recommended. This book had been a timely reminder of how God often works in the quiet, still, and unseen parts of our lives. If we allow Him, these are the times in which we grow deep with Him and prepare us to handle the big dreams and towering mountains.
I opened towards the end of the book– and I saw this line – “But then, being all-knowing is not my job.”
Yes. YES. YES!!! I do not need to know and wonder and figure out every little piece of my life and those around me. The giver of peace, the one who saved me, the one who is my source of strength – He alone is sovereign. He is the one who is all-knowing and well, what is my place in this? To wait on Him. To wait upon the Lord.
Naturally, this led me to a beautiful Shofarband song (Written by Greg Boy, James Pringle, Jeannie Verster) that I had the privilege of playing bass on – Wait On The Lord.
Say it to the anxious heart
Your God will come with vengeance
Overthrowing outbreaks
He holds together our way
Wait on the Lord
Say it to the anxious heart
He’s a God of faithfulness
So strengthen the limp hands
Steady the failing knees
Stay courageous
Courageous
As I write this – I know that I can be still and know that God is in control. I take peace and comfort, knowing that He will guide my way. Perhaps you can relate? Maybe you feel paralyzed by anxiety – unable to even “make room”. Take heart in knowing that Jesus is faithful – and if you can do nothing else, trust Him to make a way for you. He always does.
Much love,
Hayden Hayl’
A Worship Diary 