A Boy, A Teenage Boy, and A Man

Growing up in a Christian home I was exposed to worship music from an early age (I always like to say that my parents never sang lullabies, just old choruses from worship songs they knew) and I had formed this belief that there was power in gospel or Christian music.

I remember one night, I was probably about five or six years old, we had got into a bumper bashing on a freeway in Johannesburg. There was commotion and noise. The blue lights of the police vehicles and people screaming at each other had created a very vivid memory in my head. I looked up and my eye caught the orange hue of our Becker radio in our old faithful Honda Ballade. In that moment, I was aware of Ron Kenoly cassette tape that was playing. All I could I remember saying was “but there’s even Christian music playing” … at which I was quickly quietened by my older cousin.  

Something in me, at that age, could not believe that a “bad thing” could happen when there’s worship happening. I believed there was power in those words that could protect us from all bad situations.

Well, fast forward ten or so years later, and not much had changed… (in my belief at least). Whenever I felt anxious, worried, or uncertain as a young teenage boy – I would turn back to my favorite Hillsong CDs and sing along. I did not believe that those songs would protect me (like some good luck charm), but they helped me experience peace that only Jesus gives when I went through those rocky patches. I still believed that there is power.

On one specific morning, I had got myself ready and dressed, waiting for my dad to take me and brother to school. I picked up my electric guitar. (it was my first, a black Ibanez GIO). I cannot remember the exact circumstances of the time, but I was certainly feeling frustrations from disappointment and anxiety of the future. I started to strum some chords and eventually found myself singing out Hillsong’s God of Ages, found on their Saviour King album.

The lyrics are simple, short lines declaring the attributes of God: goodness, righteousness, glorious, majestic. The song also describes the works of God: healer, giver of life, savior. The bridge caps it off for me – after verses and choruses of declaring who God is – it declares that “I’m trusting You, with all my heart”.

I kept on repeating those lines until I began to internalize it.

At the time, I was a young teenage boy. I knew the Lord, but I was far from Him. Regardless of that, I knew that my only hope was found in Jesus. My only option was declaring who He is. My only way to get through the day was to put my trust in Him. There was no other choice.

Today, I am still that little boy – I am still that teenage boy and I am still a man who experiences moments of worry, anxiety, and stress. In those times, I know my only hope is found in Jesus. All I can do is look up and declare who God is and place my trust in Him.

About a year and a half ago I had a panic attack at my office because I was hurt by someone I love, and it sent semi-paralyzing waves through my body. I could not speak, I could barely walk but at some point, I could sing – just barely. God in that moment, steadied my heart, and I was able to take the next step.

Jesus has made that availability to the Father so accessible through His sacrifice on the cross. I can boldly come in, despite my state, and declare that my hope is found in Him.

If you are in place of shaky, uncertain ground – stand firm on the Word of God. Declare the truth about who God is. It does not need to be in a song. That was only the medium that God used to reach me. The words I declared are written all over the scriptures.

He is able to carry your burden. He is able to life your head up. He is able to help you take the next step. Do not loose hope.

Much Love,
Hayden Hayl’