Here we are, my first post of the new year. Twenty Twenty-one. It might feel like a shock for some that we have made it this far. The last year had been a whirlwind, right? That whirlwind threw me in all sorts of directions. I blew hot, I blew cold and I blew lukewarm.
Like many, the changes that were imposed and the shut down of life as we knew it really took the wind out of my sails. I lacked motivation, I indulged myself in series and movies and well, did what I could to keep going. The consequence of this? I had developed a strained relationship with the Lord. My Comforter and Peace was no longer where I sought refuge. I say strained because there was other moments in the year where I felt connected with Lord and in tune with what He was saying and doing. It felt as though I was doing the bare minimum to stay tethered to Him.
It was not a binary thing either. It always came as a gradual, slow burn but before I knew it – the fire was bigger than I anticipated.
In those moments, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to push past my physical feelings and sit at the feet of Jesus. Worship Him. Adore Him. But I could not do it… alone. A conversation with a friend, a word from a mentor, a worship set – these moments propelled me back into the arms of my Saviour. I am grateful for that because it kept me going when I could not bring myself to that place.
That being said, I found myself slipping back to the flat lukewarm being and soon cold. It was an incredibly difficult space to be in and what worried me was the increasing frequency of this happening.
As we narrowed down the year – I had only one objective and that was to get to my holiday. I thought, if I could just have some time where I am not concerned about the responsibilities or if I am surrounded with family then all this will resolve itself. It did not. Being around family certainly helped but for the most part – I was still feeling the same way – just in a different location.
My new year started before I had a chance to catch my breath. I was back in office soon after my time off and well – just like that, the responsibilities and admin had picked up. I was preparing to move as well, and boy I am glad for that process. Whilst packing up my previous home, I unpacked some of my old quiet time journals. I began to read the prayers and testimonies of a hungry young adult. My faith was stirred.
I finally opened the pages of one very pronounced night. It was a late night encounter with the Lord that was so tangible and real that as I ready those scribbles – I felt the hope in my heart begin to rise and my joy return.
I could not contain myself that night, I think I went to bed after midnight – just enjoying God’s tangible presence.
Reading that reminded me of how in-love with Jesus I was in that moment. He was my everything and that night was an outpour of my adoration for Him. A few nights after that – I thought to myself, it has been a while since I wrote a love letter to someone. Is that even still a thing for couples? I was almost going to write something for the sake of it when I remembered my first love, Jesus. The one who ransomed His life to give glory to that Father and that we would have eternal life.
I poured out my heart on some pages again – every unfiltered thought and word. I found my Saviour again. I found my first love.
Jesus never gave up on me. His voice was consistently calling me into His presence, but I chose differently.
I do not know where you stand with your relationship with Jesus. Perhaps you have never even had one. With all the negativity and loss experienced over the last while I know that some reading this need to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship Him. There is a Saviour calling out your name, choose to respond.
Much love,
Hayden Hayl’
A Worship Diary 